Shattered

The change I was expecting in my previous post happened. Not as I would've ever imagined it, nothing at all. In retrospect, "I want to believe this autumn will come with change, good change." from my last post now reads like some sort of cheap premonition. The autumn came with bad change. September was terrible, October was a horrible waiting game, November was a lot of anxiety. I lost the will to live, to talk to people, to do things that I usually enjoyed doing. I have never been so depressed, I've never felt my whole being and life just shattering right there under my eyes. I felt broken. I felt non-human. I lost my feelings, I became immune to the nice encouraging words I was hearing at the time from everyone. I cried until I was out of tears. And then I cried some more.  

But time passed by, slowly. I can remember every single moment, every single emotion and I shudder every time I do it. I still feel shattered. I am under construction.